CAPRICORN
Trick or treat? You’re actually both. By this time tomorrow, you’ll be in 6” fuck me high heels and hot pants, going by your new name Candi. And you girls will have a good time, too!
AQUARIUS
Ed Sheeran is a famous Aquarian. He’s also what Prince Harry would look like he had been dropped on his head at birth. You don’t get much more scary then that! Other famous Aquarians are Rosa Parks and Oprah. Rosa Parks was arrested for refusing to give up her seat on a bus. Oprah doesn’t travel by bus. #progress
PISCES
Pisceans are famous for their love of games. Here are four famous Pisceans: Daniel Craig, Simon Le Vans, Miss Jason & Justin Beiber. Now play “Snog, Marry, Avoid & Kill”.
ARIES
You will soon come into a great deal of money. Spend it wisely. Or not. Doesn’t matter as you’re about to be skinned alive by flesh eating zombies.
TAURUS
You will spend Halloween re-living your birth. You’re trapped in a tiny, dark 100 degree room full of fluid. Suddenly, the walls collapse and you’re squeezed out. Except this time the Doctor doesn’t cut the umbilical cord, he chokes you with it! Enjoy.
GEMINI
Geminis are caring and generous, which is why I share my star sign with Kylie, Titti La Camp, Myra Dubois, Dave Lynn and Paul O’Grady. We love life and life loves us. We’re like a Christmas hamper full of fabulousness. And booze. That’s all!
CANCER
Today is your day to stand out from the crowd. Mostly because you’ll be tied to a stake and set on fire like the witch you are.
LEO
Leos need attention, respect and admiration. However, they tend to get arrogant and sharing does not come easily. This last trait is best illustrated by Rose Garden with vodka. Madonna with the limelight. And Whitney Houston with a crack pipe.
VIRGO
Be ready to embrace change. Loose change. Because you will soon be homeless and begging for change due to a horrific chip pan fire. The good news is that people will feel sympathy for you as you will have no legs and half a face. Happy Halloween. Beware flat mates cooking chips.
LIBRA
I had to Google Librans. They seemed to be quiet, single, repressed boring people. Then I realised I’d Googled librarians. To be honest there’s not much difference. Although Kim Khardashian is a Libran and she’s a self-centred hussy.
SCORPIO
On Halloween you will enjoy a nice long nap. In the ground. Forever.
SAGITTARIUS
You will have good luck in romance. In fact, you will get a love bite on your neck that will drain your blood and your entire soul and will turn you into a vampire. Or the CEO of British Gas.
