If you still don’t know me, you’ve probably been living in a cave the past few years. If you know me and don’t like me, the problem is even bigger. If you are just discovering me now and you don’t automatically fall in love with me, you might need mental support.
For those who unfortunately didn’t have the pleasure to meet me last time, I will introduce myself; my name is La Pequeña.
Some people say I am a forgotten character from a low-budget Almodovar film, others think I am a perfect mixture between humour and Selena Gomez-level beauty.
The truth is I am very close to perfection. Just a few details to be polished: I get easily irritated by ugliness, lack of style or lack of intelligence. I am totally attracted by power, talent, style and beauty in all areas.
I am naturally sexy. This is comes from my Latin roots. Just one of my eyes winking is enough to catch the interest of the hottest guy in less than a second (I don’t like to waste time; I want things straight away and I don’t do queues) and this is very difficult to manage. My life is not easy; can you imagine how hard it is melting up everyone around you like a Pret a Manger toaster? If you take all this into consideration, plus the fact that I have a lot experience in life, (let’s not talk about my age… but it’s old enough to know what I’m talking about) I am highly qualified to give advice on image, men, life, anything! So don’t be shy, send me your questions or worries and each month I will give my point of view.
This month our readers are interested in my opinion about David Cameron and ‘gentrification’. For anyone who doesn’t know, David Cameron is a British politician who has served as the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom since 2010 and as Leader of the Conservative Party since 2005. His political career has an almost record-breaking history of lies. The only good thing he does is spend the summer in Spain. Sorry, I don’t want to sound disrespectful of the majority of the people in the country who voted for him, but being honest with you, I never do what the majority does. Thank you.
After this ‘pig situation’, my life has changed…I can’t walk past the meat counter in Sainsbury’s without thinking about him putting his private parts in a dead pig’s mouth. It’s disturbing and a few questions come to my mind; is Cameron the wolf of a Three Little Pigs porn parody?
It’s enough to make you choke on your Greggs bacon roll. But the worst part is that this disgusting pig-poking ritual was part of a sordid initiation ceremony after joining Oxford university dining society. Most of those guys are probably now in very important positions running the country. Are we safe in their hands? Should we close our MOUTHS? Finally, how can any of the Conservatives feel free to judge gay life and our behaviour after this? When we put our private parts inside someone’s mouth, we do it with permission. More importantly, they are alive! Even more importantly, they’re NOT A PIG. So please don’t try to tell us what to do with our lives…you are not in the best position to do it. Oink.
“After this ‘pig situation’, my life has changed… I can’t walk past the meat counter in Sainsbury’s without thinking about him.”
Maybe because I am not English, or maybe because I am superficial, but I had never heard about gentrification until this year. Now this term is so familiar to me that I am considering calling my dog ‘gentrification’. You read newspaper headlines about it but …what does ‘gentrification’ mean?
I am not only a beautiful face and I am full of resources, so I did some research about the subject on the Google.“Gentrification is the buying and renovating of houses and stores in deteriorated urban neighborhoods by wealthier individuals, which in effect increases property values and displaces low-income families and small businesses”
But reading and speaking with people about it I have another point of view completely different, Is gentrification urban renewal or a form of social cleansing? hundreds of protesters targeted a cafe in east London, claiming its high prices excluded local residents The cafe sells a small bowl of children’s cereal for three British pounds and obviously this very expensive but, is the Tube not expensive? Are not the rents in London ridiculous at the moment? In the end you decide whether or not to have a bowl of golden cereal, but I personally find it more ridiculous when things you cannot live without, like a house to live in, the transport to go to work, a Tom Ford lipstick, have such absurd prices.
The city has drastically changed, London looks like a Calvin Klein collection at the moment …boring and plain, no colour no fun…nightlife has been affected. Many gay venues have faced closure in recent years, I don’t know if this is part of a social cleansing or not, but me and the gay people I know are very clean already, so I think it’s unnecessary.
Our most famous venues might close but we are not going to stop going out, having fun and showing off our unlimited creativity. If they don’t want to see us, it’s going to be difficult because we have fewer places to go now. They will see us even more; we are in the streets, stronger than ever and you will certainly see my legs around. Closed or open!
Plus, the Conservatives should really think this through a little more; all this gentrification is going to make it too expensive for Cameron to feed his pigs. I guess that’s karma for you!
• Want La Pequeña’s opinion on something? Tweet us at @qxmagazine and she might have something to say. Or not. Who knows.
