Hi guys. It’s me, The Virgin Mary. So like, I’m doing this show this Christmas at The Glory, right? All totes about my #complicated life in the world of Catholicism. #HilarRealness. As its getting close to Christmas, and the start of my *first ever solo show*, I just wanted to say a massive HELLO to all you guys, and fill you in on how life is post-Christ.
Basically, I’m super seriously bored. Like totes bored. Heaven is super-dumb cuz, like, only Christians get in, you know? So lame. God is totally senile by this point too, Jesus and I have been contemplating about putting him in a home. Angel Gabriel is now his official caretaker cuz I just could not EVEN with the bed pans. God really is full of shit you guys. Seriously…!
Jesus is lame too. All he does is get stoned and play World of Warcraft all day on his, like, PlayStation or whatever… But the good thing is that I don’t think you guys ever have to worry about the second coming, cuz like, the bitch never ever leaves the sofa and has so few brain cells now, I doubt he could ever get his shit together enough to, like, kill you all or whatever.
“Life is sooooo totes #amazeballs now that I am able to share my celestial xtravaganzah with all you fabulous human beings!”
And Joseph? Omg that looooser! He recently checked into the Betty Ford clinic for methamphetamine addiction. I always wondered why he liked cleaning the house so much… I didn’t complain, tbh. But the loss of teeth was like seriously off putting…
ANYWAY!!! This is the reason I decided to come back to earth and become a drag queen- The Virgin Xtravaganzah! Life is sooooo totes #amazeballs now that I am able to share my celestial xtravaganzah with all you fabulous human beings!
This is why you MUST come see my one-woman show at The Glory this Christmas! It’s time The Virgin Mary had a voice, and so this Christmas I am going to tell you how it REALLY went down at that nativity so many thousands of years ago.
We might even have a special appearance from God- if we can get him handicapped parking near the venue, that is, and also Joseph- unless he relapses and has to go back to Betty. Jesus would come, but, like- you’d all die if he came back and that would be totes #awks. So yeah.
OMG have I said too much?! If you want to find out anything else- like why God created the universe (he totally told me one night cuz I got him drunk on Jack Daniels and it was hilaaaaarious. Seriously. Lolz!) or why Jennifer Aniston is still totally single- GET YOUR TICKETS NOW! Can’t wait to see you all then.
Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. And as always… #StrutWithChrist
Virgin X
• Virgin Xtravaganzah’s Christmas Meltdown is at The Glory (281 Kingsland Road, E2 8AS) on December 2nd, 4th, 5th, 16th & 17th. Showtime is 8:30pm. Seated tickets £12:50 at www.ticketweb.co.uk, standing tickets £10 OTD.
