Dylan Jones takes on The Crystal Maze with Jonny Woo and more…
I did the Crystal Maze with drag queens! No, this isn’t a parody of a Vice headline. This actually happened! It’s not enough to just do things anymore. You’ve got to do everything with drag queens. Don’t argue. We’ve decided.
And it doesn’t matter what you do in your spare time, or your profession. Whatever you do, you’ve got to do it with drag queens. You can’t just do the weekly shop around Manor House Sainsburys. You’ve got to do the weekly shop around Manor House Sainsburys WITH DRAG QUEENS. You can’t take soil samples in the Thames Estuary.
You’ve got to take soil samples in the Thames Estuary WITH DRAG QUEENS.
In case you hadn’t heard, the Crystal Maze IS BACK! They’ve rebuilt a fairly faithful reproduction of show’s various sets and challenges in a former office space in Angel.
You can go with a group of pals or colleagues and put on Crystal Maze bomber jackets and run around acting like a nineties nerd for an hour. Hooray!
The reason there were drag queens is because it was a special event the Crystal Maze put on in collaboration with the lovely people at the Terrence Higgins Trust, as an epilogue to pride and to raise awareness for HIV.
Our Maze Master was a bright-eyed, broad-shouldered chap called “X” who wore a bandana and made lots of homoerotic jokes. X was totally hot. X is OUR KIND OF GUY. Hey X! Now, being a Crystal Maze Master in 2016, X is presumably a purveyor of general ridiculousness, and sees bizarre things every day.
But even HE kept cracking up at the sight of the likes of Bourgeoisie and Jonny Woo running around a reproduction of a medieval castle in an assortment of tutus and wigs. “THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!” he yelled as Scarlett O’Hora dove headfirst into a fiberglass tree to retrieve a large foam egg.
Comedy royalty Mark Gatiss was there too, as well as Apprentice totty Sanjay Sood Smith. Possibly the highlight was grazing my shoulder whilst rolling back and forth in a massive wooden barrel to collect balls, with Jonny Woo leaning through a medieval window and screaming “ROLL Dylan, ROLL!”
Our lives are so ridiculous.
• For tickets to The Crystal Maze Experience, go to www.the-crystal-maze.com. Follow the Terrence Higgins Trust @THTorguk
