Because sometimes there’s nothing better than watching trash
OH EM GEE.
There’s literally like a new season of the Kardashians. Aren’t you totally freaking out? Nope, us neither. Watching those pouty-lipped mature teens discuss who’s getting their anus bleached first and pushing around a salad really isn’t our jam.
What is our jam, is a long hungover Sunday of trolling the internet for the most depraved and bombastic reality TV the States has to offer. Here’s your guide to the absolute WORST American reality TV that you’re going to just be obsessed with.
Little Women: Atlanta (main image)
Right, you enjoy the Housewives. They’re entertaining enough; it’s good to put them on in the background whilst you’re Tinder-swiping for that night’s date. But let us tell you about Little Women Atlanta. Step aside NeNe Leaks, Ms Juicy is in town! These girls are half the size but have twice the sass. The fashions are always on point, a lot of crazy hair and as always with any gang of women on a reality show, non-stop man troubles. Shirlene “Ms Juicy” Pearson is the best thing to happen to reality television since that New York housewife threw her prosthetic leg across the table. “You ain’t nobody”, but she sure is.
90 Day Fiancé
Getting married for a green card, mail order brides…it’s a world that most of us know nothing about, but thankfully TLC is here to peel back the lid. These budding lovers, with their K1 visa, have to get married within the 90 days that their foreigners have in the US. Fail to get married and they’re on a one-way flight back home. The star of the show is Amfisa, the gold-digging Russian princess whose only joy in life is dragging her insecure betrothed through the dirt. Fan favourites also include Mohamed who, after consummating his marriage to Danielle, hops on a flight to LA and doesn’t give a single hoot. Catchphrases include “Danielle, you were on the floor in front of your kids begging for sex”. There are plenty of spin-offs, which means hours of mindless entertainment.
My 600-lb Life
Not for the faint of heart, My 600-lb Life is exactly what you’d imagine. Where else but the US, right? If you don’t know exactly how much 600-lb is…it’s a LOT. The show follows the trials the show’s participants face on the road to qualifying for a gastro-band. They meet with superstar gastroenterologist Dr Younan Nowzardan who stills the straight-up tee. This 72 year old packs a punch and doesn’t take any crap from his patients. Dr. Now serves that truth with a sprinkle of sass, which is exactly what makes the show so addictive. There are also some heart-warming success stories of those who manage to lose the weight and can walk unassisted for the first time. That’s some Disney’s Wall-e stuff right there.
Dance Moms
I have three words for you. Abby Lee Miller. Currently fresh from serving a prison sentence for money laundering, she first blasted into headlines in season two of Dance Moms by giving toddlers guns to dance with. Don’t worry, they weren’t only prop guns… but still. She’s a complicated character who just knows exactly what she wants from her dance kids. You better not turn up to one of her classes with sickled feet. If you’re 3 or 13, she’s going to scream in your face and dish out some tough love. The mothers themselves aren’t any better, willing to do anything to their little brats to get them in Abby’s sweet graces. Know better than to go head-to-head with Ms Miller. In Season 4, Kelly SLAPS Abby in the dressing room of a dance competition (gag) and the police are called. Kelly and her daughter are off the team and fade into obscurity.
My Strange Addiction
Have you ever wondered what your neighbours get up to behind close doors? Well, there’s a slim chance they could be addicted to breathing in aerosol or married to their car. This is the world of My Strange Addiction. It’s totally scripted, but we don’t care. An episode that will live on in infamy is Pittsburgh resident Kyle, who’s addicted to dating older women. We love a daddy, what’s wrong with that you ask? Well these women are OLD. ‘I remember the first World War’ old. If they’re not AT LEAST in their 90s, he’s not interested. “I love the smell, I love the feel… I love dentures!” There’s also the quite disturbing episode about the man who enjoys making love to his car, but I think we all know a motor head that might get freaky when no-one’s looking. We’re not here to kink-shame, we’re just here to watch in amazement and enjoy the full spectrum of human pleasures.
My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding
You fell in love with the UK version, but if there’s one thing Americans do best, it’s reality TV. The dresses are bigger, the family feuds are darker and the drama is so much more absurd. Their dressmaker may not be the wise old Scouse seamstress the UK had, but she is a bawdy Boston designer with just as many rhinestones up her sleeve. She also doesn’t think twice about a winter-themed wedding dress for Romanichal Gypsy Annie. It’s impressive how unabashed these people can be on their big day. Expect curses, marriages that fall apart at the reception, and unwanted guests hijacking ceremonies because they weren’t invited. It’s Sunday afternoon heaven.
