A former mephedrone addict, who asked to remain anonymous, speaks candidly to Alex Palumbo about their experience, and how they broke the cycle of dependency…

What was your first meph experience like?

I first tried mephedrone back in 2010, it was cheaper than coke which I liked taking. I had fun, and because of its legality, all of us (a group of musicians) would jam on the roof drinking for hours. It was so much fun. The mephedrone then was the white fluffy kind, it stopped me putting on weight.

How long did it take before you noticed that mephedrone could have posed a threat to you or others using it?

I never used to do it all the time, but then I moved to London, and because it was big on the gay scene it was the only drug available. I was new, and didn’t really want the party to end. I started experiencing black outs half way through the night, or at the after-party. At first it was all fun, then it got to the stage where I wondered what we were chasing… All of us almost too scared to return back to normal.

How has mephedrone affected your life?

It affected me in a number of ways. Mostly it was the paranoia I would experience from the sleep deprivation. Sometimes, the fear of leaving the spot I was in was immense. I would think people were against me. I would also think if anything went missing people would blame me. It felt very lonely, even being in a room full of people. It got to the stage where in order to chill-out together drugs would need to be there. I started to think, if you can’t beat them, join them. That’s when I started losing jobs, becoming very critical of myself and suicide was never far from thought. I would isolate myself during the day, too scared to leave my bed, scared of my housemates and unable to go to the loo. I became agoraphobic and started self-medicating with Codeine and Amytriptaline to wind down and Zopiclone to sleep. [I was] continuously letting my family down. I would always mean to go see them, but I seemed to be at a party I couldn’t break away from. I didn’t know how I managed to party so much. It was like being in a shoal of fish and not being able to separate.

If you advise people on mephedrone use, what would you say?

I would warn them against it. Pinch yourself [to see] if you’re still having fun. Check your motive before you do anything. Clubbing isn’t a way of life, it should be the other way around. I still can’t believe the amount of time I wasted with people I didn’t have anything in common with apart from drugs. ‘Fabulous’ is so far from what some of these people are, it’s often the polar opposite.

“At first it was all fun, then it got to the stage where I wondered what we were chasing.”

Do you have any concerns for the current state of the party scene and the people on it?

I look and see that it’s the same grey faces and fake adjusted smiles. I don’t believe that the drugs are the cause of death, but more the fact no one knows how to stop.

Would you say that your stance is ‘blame the user not the substance’?

Behaviour breeds behaviour. If everyone’s the same it’s always going to happen. Meph in my opinion is a bad drug as it can induce psychosis. I thought I had a form of bi polar, but I didn’t. There are side effects from over use. I have acid reflex, a hernia, I cough up a weird jelly and my lungs feel pressed against my ribs. Sometimes it feels like I’m breathing through small holes. I have some friends I always speak to, and have been able to have some positive impact on their lives. Although they still dabble, they aren’t consumed by it.

If anyone reading this is experiencing something similar, what is your advice to them?

Sit down and ask yourselves if this is what you want from life. What are you running from? Are you prepared to make changes? I found peace when I realised I never really knew who I was, I just was who everybody wanted me to be. I now know I am not a loud and overpowering diva. I’m actually quite humble and shy. Take off your mask and uncover what is underneath. I can safely say I have spent 2013 in recovery with real friends at my side. I now prefer my mask off. I always envied those who know when it’s over, the ones that left while others were getting the dealer round. Action Addiction funds the treatment for you. I thought you had to be rich to go to rehab.

Is there anything you would like to add?

I just hope people start being real to themselves. You’re not mentally ill, and you’re not alone. I could see people around me were vulnerable. Often at parties, people would confide in me; I felt like a confidante to so many people. I still hold those conversations in my head and heart. If you’re worried, go to a meeting and listen to real people with real solutions. Try and stop, take up yoga, meditate. Anything that isn’t fake. Although I think homosexual identity crisis has a role to play in it. Don’t underestimate the importance of staying true to yourself.